How to show your love when you're working all the time
By James Auble · · 4 min read
- relationships
- busy couples
- work-life balance
- small gestures
Some stretches of life are mostly work. A new job, a launch, a residency, tax season, a second shift to cover the rent. You come home late and tired, and the person you love gets what's left of you.
Most advice for this says to schedule date nights. That works if you have the evenings to spare. When you don't, what helps is smaller and more frequent: things that take a few minutes and still show you were thinking about them.
Tell them what the week looks like
A late night you warned them about feels very different from one that just happens. On Sunday, go through the week together: which evenings you'll be late, which morning starts with an early call, which night is free. A shared calendar works, and so does a note on the fridge.
If the busy stretch has an end, say when. "It's like this until the 15th" is a lot easier to live with than a crunch nobody can see the end of.
Keep one small thing that doesn't move
Pick one moment in the day that work doesn't get, like coffee together before either of you opens a laptop, or the first ten minutes after you walk in the door. Ten minutes is plenty if it happens every day, because the point is that your partner can count on it while the rest of your schedule is a mess.
Treat it like a meeting you can't skip. If you'd show up on time for your manager, you can show up on time for this.
Send one message that proves you were listening
"Miss you" is nice. A message about something they told you is better: "How did the dentist go?" or "Did your sister call back?" It takes ten seconds between meetings and tells them you're keeping track of their life while you're buried in yours.
Set a reminder if you have to. Nobody needs to know the thought came with an alarm.
Take something off their plate
When one person works long hours, the other usually picks up the slack at home. A clear way to say thank you is to take a job back: book the plumber on your lunch break, or finally sort out the car insurance renewal they've been chasing. Errands aren't romantic, and they may still be the thing your partner appreciates most.
Leave something behind in the morning
If you're out the door before they wake up, leave a trace. Set their mug out by the coffee maker with a note under it. A few lines on a sticky note are enough, as long as they're written for them and aren't a reminder to buy milk.
Come all the way home
Busy seasons are often hardest in the hours you're home but still at work in your head, checking email at dinner and half listening. Find a small ritual that marks the switch. Some people change clothes the moment they get in; others leave the phone in another room until after dinner. Then give your partner your full attention, even if it's only for an hour.
Plan the thing after
Pick something to look forward to for when the busy stretch is over and put a date on it, whether that's a weekend away or a whole lazy Saturday with nothing planned. It gives you both something to talk about besides how tired you are, and it's a promise you can keep.
Mark it so it means something later
Hard seasons end up being part of your story. Years from now you'll talk about the year one of you worked nights, or the spring before the big exam, and how you got through it.
If you'd like something to mark it, you can hang a lock on EverLoveLocks with your initials and a date, and on Prestige and Eternity a short vow (here's how to write one). It takes a few minutes, and it's on the bridge whenever either of you opens it, long days included. You can see the bridge first.